As I type this out in my microscopic room in the Philippines, more rain probably came down from the heavens, Janet Napoles is probably snoring in her Sta.Rosa, Laguna jail, and the troops of Misuari are getting high (as reported in the news). Each day passes in the daily telenovela that passs off as a country called the Philippines. With the telenovela comes a lot of drama and that drama always finds itself online.
Watching people online regularly made me realize this: The Filipinos are an angry bunch online. They’re mad at how government treated them so far. They’re pissed off when there are floods. They’re rabid whenever they get stuck in traffic. They froth in the mouth whenever the PDAF scam is brought up and would probably love to drive a bamboo pole through Janet Napoles and have her spit-roasted, serve her up with senators as garnishing. One can easily sense that anger in posts on Facebook, Twitter, feedback forms on blogs and on news sites. In previous issues, the commentary on news sites had been unforgiving during the time of PGMA scandals, the RH debates and Corona impeachment. Online, people will go at it just to prove whose piss goes highest. People will post angry stuff whenever they can. I just do not know if any “real” working ideas came out of these exercises of mental masturbation.
I know that there are people from all over the country who try to do their part in coming up with solutions, from enlightening the masses to organizing mass action; they should be commended for doing so. Government will always say that it is doing its darn best to serve and there will be people who will always state the opposing view. For most part, I do believe that most people are too engaged in their own thing to bother engaging those sitting in the halls of governance to come up with ways to have the system serve the people better. In other words, this country is locked in a self-perpetuating cycle that will take generations to break and people are too busy to notice. Honestly, I don’t think that I will still be alive when I can see my fellow Filipinos shout to the world that they are no longer poor. With that, I’d like to see solutions that can benefit ME today, and possibly in the future.
It is time to park the BS on the side of the straight path. Let us all be practical about where we want this country to go. I propose the following solutions to the Philippine Government and the Filipino People:
- Budget appropriation for creation of the National Time Machine and Multiverse Transport. It will be an instant exit for those who want out of the country and its troubles. Once completed, this machine will be for all those who wish for the following:
- Martial Law to come back. I originally wanted a Marcos reanimating machine but ruled against the moral implications of bringing someone back from the dead. The time machine is better and is more flexible in application. I am sure that the hordes of loyalists will appreciate this machine and treat it as a complement to the highways and roads built by the former strongman.
- Declaring this country as part of the USA. Getting someone into a more influential position to declare the Philippines as a US state would be easier in the past than in our current position.
- Those who think that we should all be in an alternate universe where this country didn’t make the decision of heading off into wherever current state it is in right now.
- Budget appropriation for the creation of the National Smart People Multiplier Pill for Smart People. Simply put, this amazing pill greatly improves the fertility rates of the smart people in the country. I put this proposal forward for the following reasons:
- Realizing that the Catholic Church won’t budge on its anti-RH position and government would always be pressured by it, there has to be a middle ground in the reproductive health and population debate.
- This is also for the people who believe that the poor dumb people vastly outnumber the rich smart people and thus should be excluded from making their thoughts felt in the national scope.
- When the population hits critical mass and there won’t be enough food to go around, the smart people will find a way to make the dead dumb people AND dead smart people palatable enough for human consumption. Hungry people won’t complain about the food they eat.
- This amazing pill will also be the solution for all the Filipinos who think that understanding satire should be at the vanguard of intellectualism. There will be more people around who are full of themselves as the next Juan. This will also save them the trouble of calling someone bobo or tanga online, as if it makes them instantly smart.
- Budget appropriation for a National CCTV + Internet Access system with instant YouTube, Facebook and Twitter upload with optional person zapper function and optional instant selfie function with optional auto-background selection AND super-dooper smile enhancing function. People can have the following:
News (or sex) as fresh as it can get. People don’t have to wait for a “scandal.”
- The power to zap people as they see fit, for justice and for the heck of it. They can obsess with public officials not doing their jobs or simply bully someone through the internet because they can, and this time with real physical pain.
- Post decent selfies of themselves whenever they’re not too concerned with national issues.
- Budget appropriation for a National Cross-stitching Program. This is simply for the people with too much time in their hands. This will also work well for government employees who prefer to scratch their itchy hands using Philippine Pesos.
These proposals, I believe, will make this country great again. I humbly submit them, or not. If the people don’t like these ideas, their alternative is always to suck it up and productively deal with it. Useless anger can only give us high blood pressure.