Manila as the Rear Orifice of the Philippines

There’s an old joke–or story because I’m bad at telling jokes–that I heard many years ago. It was about certain body parts arguing on which one of them should be the boss of the body. The story goes:

The brain went first and claimed dominance over the body because it was “in charge of all the thinking.” The eyes was next and cited “Without me, you won’t know where you are.” The hands said, “I’m the muscle in this group. I move stuff! I am in charge!” The stomach replied, “Well, without me, hands, you won’t have energy to move anything. The food we get? I transform that into energy. I am the boss of you and the rest of the body.” “Well, try getting to the food without me. I’m everyone’s boss.” the legs retorted. The quiet rectum opened up and let out a thought, “Shut up, fools. I am your boss.” Every body part laughed at the rectum. In turn, the rectum decided to close up for good.

After some time, the place started to stink up. Everything got jammed up. There was even some lower back pain. The mouth let out a breath that flies seemed to like. The gut appeared larger than normal. The body cells, citizens of the body, were all cursing the brain, eyes, hands, legs, and stomach. Le yikes! They all gave in and told the rectum, “You win.”

In reality, when that urge to move is there, to hell with all the rest of the body functions. When one’s gotta go, one will go!

***

A few months ago, the city government of Manila, led by Mayor Erap and Vice Mayor Isko started tinkering around with Manila city’s traffic management. They fiddled around with a bus ban and a truck ban. Never mind that the commuters had to take several rides to get to and from Manila. The traffic issue needed solving. The government even had fights with truck operators who were having a difficult time conducting their business. The Port of Manila got jammed up. Never mind that. The traffic issue needed solving. It was the most important problem that the Government of Manila had to face and they were the right body orifices to solve it.

As a sidenote: just wondering where the brains of the Philippines went when they started this argument on traffic management. Hmm, at least the brains of the Philippines won’t ever claim that it is the most important part of the country.

Fast forward to a few months later, the trucks are just everywhere. Even the once fast-moving C5 became like a parade of turtles, even at 1 in the morning, because of the trucks. The Port of Manila got so jammed up that logistics companies complained about the people complaining about something they can’t control. Even my sister living abroad wanted to send me a big box package for Christmas super early. She asked me what I’d like to go in the box last freaking July. As a whole, businessmen cried over that port jam. Probably, that was payback for kicking him out of the presidency. Payback ala Corleone? Bwahahaha.

Fast forward to today, the greatest-ever and most legendary and most excellent Mayor of the City of Manila, the superest Hon. Joseph Ejercito Estrada finally relented and decided to lift the ban they started. Malacanang is relieved.  I just hope these folks do manage to undo the supposed damage done by that port congestion. They can have a hashtag: #OneBigFart! .

***

Ass-uming Manila accidentally became the rear of the Philippines–no thanks to the brains of the outfit–is the Torre de Manila the nasty looking wart that grew out of nowhere?

***

Seriously, that exercise in traffic management in Manila is a good example of how everything is interconnected. But at least in that example, there were people who wanted to do something about an issue. Maybe they should just do more thinking in the future. I know they meant well by trying to solve the traffic issue in the city of Manila. Since everything connected, maybe all of them people in charge of every agency and LGUs trying to look at traffic solutions should really sit down and plan.

As for me, I am a body cell. I die or get consumed by cancer cells.

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7 comments

  1. I love this article, I find your writing very entertaining 🙂 And you’re right, we have to give credit kay Erap for trying to solve the traffic problem but I think that there was not much thought process na nangyari during planning stage. Erap lang na Erap bira lang ng bira hahaha 🙂 Pero grabe I remember the hardship this caused noon. Ang Jollibee nawalan ng chickenjoy 😦 heheh

    1. Hi, Tins.

      Thanks for the very encouraging remark.

      Yes. That’s what I was trying to point out. Congestion experience:

      a package sent by sister left the US around September. It finally reached my doorstep…last week of January. Hahaha.

  2. True, Metro Manila mayors should realize that for things to improve, there has to be coordination among them. The bus ban was supremely un-neighborly. Bigla na lang: Oops, bawal na bus dito. Bahala na kayong magkagulo diyan. Magreroute kayong mag-isa niyo.

    Regarding the truck ban, I saw Isko Moreno, Vice Mayor of this orifice you were talking about, on TV being interviewed by Plinky Recto, He actually made sense — I had to ignore the excessive swagger when he speaks — in saying that the port congestion issue has little to do with the truck ban in that they merely added one hour to the existing MMDA truck ban. In fairness to them, maangas nga ang implementation ng rules ngayon dun, which VIce Orifice said was the real reason truckers are fuming mad.

    Also, he’s an Erap stooge pero he sounds A LOT like Mayor Lim.

    On that Torre de Manila issue, can they really afford to preserve that clear vantage point from the Rizal monument? Bah, malaking land area din yun, hanggang QC ata. No-build zone dun (or at least bawal mataas na structure)?

    1. Teka. Did the Vice Orifice serve under the old Lim? Maybe that’s how he got his tough guy act. I did like the fact that they tried to do something about the traffic. Out of 10, i’ll give them a 5 for effort. So, Erap, ngiti ka na.

      As for the Torre, I’m sort of confused on that one, really. It’s not as if that thing sprouted out of nowhere. I mean, where were the body cells of Manila at that time? May maririnig din naman silang chismis about kung ano tatayo dun. Parang ugly warts din. If you don’t check the infection, kakalat.

      1. Yes, he was Lim’s vice orifice. Pareho sila magsalita: intonation, choice of words. Ang weird. Usually kasi you unconsciously try to sound like your idol. Hmmmmm.

        On the torre, medyo di pa ako klaro diyan. They’re protecting the skyline behind the Rizal monument, di ba? Kaya lang wouldn’t that be counterproductive in a way? I mean if that’s the whole skyline, e di anlaking real state ang pipigilan ang development? Sabi nga ni erap they need the jobs/revenue from the infra projects and all the other things that come with them.

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