Because I thought I was high

I Read the “Daily Prompt: Ancient” and All I Could Think of was This…

via Daily Prompt: Ancient

…Ancient?  Ancient Aliens!

Oh, oh, oh! Mr. Tsoukalos’ awesome hair!

220px-tsoukalos_nola_comic_con_2012_a

According to ancient astronaut theorists, he always wakes up looking like this (image from Wikipedia)

Back to regular programming.

Stalking is Your Day Job (You’re Good at it, too)

If you are actively online (on social networking sites), then it is a resounding “Yes, your day job is stalking.”

Seriously, who does not sneak in a few views on Facebook and Twitter while they are in their offices or at home working? With the convenience of social media, and location tagging, everyone is an instant stalker. Compare that to the dedicated stalkers of an age when stalkers literally stalked their targets, today’s stalker could be at home, scratching his ass, or in the office, stealing a glance away from a spreadsheet.

 

Manila as the Rear Orifice of the Philippines

There’s an old joke–or story because I’m bad at telling jokes–that I heard many years ago. It was about certain body parts arguing on which one of them should be the boss of the body. The story goes:

The brain went first and claimed dominance over the body because it was “in charge of all the thinking.” The eyes was next and cited “Without me, you won’t know where you are.” The hands said, “I’m the muscle in this group. I move stuff! I am in charge!” The stomach replied, “Well, without me, hands, you won’t have energy to move anything. The food we get? I transform that into energy. I am the boss of you and the rest of the body.” “Well, try getting to the food without me. I’m everyone’s boss.” the legs retorted. The quiet rectum opened up and let out a thought, “Shut up, fools. I am your boss.” Every body part laughed at the rectum. In turn, the rectum decided to close up for good.

After some time, the place started to stink up. Everything got jammed up. There was even some lower back pain. The mouth let out a breath that flies seemed to like. The gut appeared larger than normal. The body cells, citizens of the body, were all cursing the brain, eyes, hands, legs, and stomach. Le yikes! They all gave in and told the rectum, “You win.”

In reality, when that urge to move is there, to hell with all the rest of the body functions. When one’s gotta go, one will go!

***

A few months ago, the city government of Manila, led by Mayor Erap and Vice Mayor Isko started tinkering around with Manila city’s traffic management. They fiddled around with a bus ban and a truck ban. Never mind that the commuters had to take several rides to get to and from Manila. The traffic issue needed solving. The government even had fights with truck operators who were having a difficult time conducting their business. The Port of Manila got jammed up. Never mind that. The traffic issue needed solving. It was the most important problem that the Government of Manila had to face and they were the right body orifices to solve it.

As a sidenote: just wondering where the brains of the Philippines went when they started this argument on traffic management. Hmm, at least the brains of the Philippines won’t ever claim that it is the most important part of the country.

Fast forward to a few months later, the trucks are just everywhere. Even the once fast-moving C5 became like a parade of turtles, even at 1 in the morning, because of the trucks. The Port of Manila got so jammed up that logistics companies complained about the people complaining about something they can’t control. Even my sister living abroad wanted to send me a big box package for Christmas super early. She asked me what I’d like to go in the box last freaking July. As a whole, businessmen cried over that port jam. Probably, that was payback for kicking him out of the presidency. Payback ala Corleone? Bwahahaha.

Fast forward to today, the greatest-ever and most legendary and most excellent Mayor of the City of Manila, the superest Hon. Joseph Ejercito Estrada finally relented and decided to lift the ban they started. Malacanang is relieved.  I just hope these folks do manage to undo the supposed damage done by that port congestion. They can have a hashtag: #OneBigFart! .

***

Ass-uming Manila accidentally became the rear of the Philippines–no thanks to the brains of the outfit–is the Torre de Manila the nasty looking wart that grew out of nowhere?

***

Seriously, that exercise in traffic management in Manila is a good example of how everything is interconnected. But at least in that example, there were people who wanted to do something about an issue. Maybe they should just do more thinking in the future. I know they meant well by trying to solve the traffic issue in the city of Manila. Since everything connected, maybe all of them people in charge of every agency and LGUs trying to look at traffic solutions should really sit down and plan.

As for me, I am a body cell. I die or get consumed by cancer cells.

In the News: Black Kettle Binays versus Black Pot Cayetanos

If you’re fond of conspiracy theories, you might think that there’s really a movement to get rid of presidential aspirants for 2016. In the first round, Sen. Bong Revilla is out of contention and is currently in jail for the PDAF scam, along with senators Enrile and Jinggoy Estrada. No matter, I won’t vote for these senators naman. Today, we have the Binays versus the Cayetanos. Is this part of the plot or story where the leftovers will finish themselves off?

Aw, bro hugs! (photo from PhilStar.com)

 VP Jejomar Binay constantly tops surveys on who’s most likely to be president in 2016. Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano, on the other hand, is way behind in the same surveys. Both of them top my list of the people I won’t vote for in any election. 

Anyway, back to the twists and turns of a public service telenovela that could serve as inspiration to George R.R. Martin’s future books. The Binays, the first family of the kingdom of Makati, are getting hit for an allegedly overpriced Makati City Hall 2. Senator Trillanes, another man I will not ever vote for, even wanted to call the VP to a senate hearing. Never mind that it really should be the son, Mayor Junjun, to answer any questions related to that. It’s already his show. Come hearing day, everything came out–even the allegedly overpriced cakes. Like, wow. Have the Binays really reached that point that even their giveaways are overpriced? And there’s really an elevator inside Mayor Junjun’s house? Holy crap! The drama! Imagine all the intense emotions that the people must have felt with those revelations. I almost fell off my chair (laughing) when I saw the cakes in the news. Like, wtf. 

I guess it’s a case of one good deed deserves another. Yesterday, I saw that some lawyer filed a graft and corruption case against the Cayetanos– Sen. Alan Peter and his wife, who’s the mayor of Taguig CIty. Their case involves the senator’s pork barrel funds and the multicabs (little utility vehicles) bought by the local government. I wonder. If ever they will call a senate hearing for that, will they bring one of the tiny multicabs with the mayor’s name inside the senate halls? That’ll be a sight to behold. Imagine if they bought elephants instead of multicabs. Now, imagine an elephant inside the senate. 

In my small mind, these cases, can’t they just pile all the evidence at the Ombudsman’s office and skip the drama in the senate?  These hearings usually become vehicles for politicians to show off or grandstand. 

So, will opponents kill each other off? Kettles versus Pots. Which one are you going to bet on? 

The Philippine SONA Makeover

July 28, 2014–Manila.  It’s another day for the State of the Nation Address (SONA).  SONA day is National Presidential Buhat-Bangko Day or National Presidential Pat-Your-Own Back Day. For the usual protest people, it’s National Government Don’t Do S#!t Everyday Day. For congressmen, senators and invited guests, it’s National Dress Up and Clap Day. For people passing through Commonwealth, today is National Hay Naku! Traffic Day. For ordinary work-minded citizens, it’s just “Hay! Monday na naman” or “It’s just another working Monday.”

***

I never particularly enjoyed these presidential speeches because these are supposed to be glossy reports. I agree with a post I read earlier that the real state of the nation is how the people sees it. However, I’ll give all presidents a bye for this event. It’s supposed to be their day to highlight their accomplishments. I mean, who in his right mind would shoot his own foot in front of the nation? But, I will give a ton of points to true leaders who aren’t afraid to tell his people what lies ahead and the steps they have to take. I will give points to those not afraid to admit mistakes and are progressively working towards solutions. I remember a “legal” argument in the Bicentennial Man movie. A line there mentioned something about people not being ready for a “perfect” person to be declared as human. That was after the android sought to be legally declared a human after acquiring human skin and emotions.

***

SONA, with all the preparations and media focus on it, it’s almost the best-produced show next to ABS-CBN’s ASAP on Sundays. However, I think it’s about time for a makeover. I mean, it’s been years of strict formality and the thing might lose a connection with those wanting a show. Like, maybe it can be the best show ever.

Here are some suggestions:

1.  Presidential Intro and Opening.  I’ll always look to Mike Judge’s Idiocracy for inspiration. I think with the showbiz-loving nature of Filipinos, an awesome intro like this one is in order. And to make critics shut up, the president can bring out the heavy guns–for real. With the country’s current president being a gun lover, this could be a perfect fit.

Here’s a clip from vimeo.

2.  Clapping. It’s tradition that those at the SONA clap at everything a president says. I think we can still introduce some variety to it. I mean, why not? It’s been so much as tradition that it appears to be just mindless appreciation for whatever escapes the presidential mouth.

a.  For the “Why didn’t I think of that?” reaction, there’s the slow clap. This is instant variety and stamps “DIFFERENT” from all other SONAs.

Here’s a clip from YouTube (user YuppiePunk.org) as reference:

b.  For the everyone-is-happy reaction, there’s “The Wave.” Popular in baseball games. I think with this country’s legislative branch dominated by the ruling party, they can easily do something like this.

Here’s a clip from YouTube (user SwaToRz) as reference:

3.  Other suggestions: (oh, my, there’s some more?)

a.  A closing song. Filipinos love a good song and dance number from politicians. Seriously, I don’t know it they enjoy the talent or if they’re into checking out how stupid their leaders look.

a.1 For the current president: If memory serves me correctly, the current president did sing in one of his inauguration events. I’m just not sure if it was “Estudyante Blues.” For this year’s SONA, maybe Manny Pacquiao can do an impromptu number with Frozen’s “Let it Go.” I mean, that’s if the president wants a perfect ending to that DAP issue. I think for President BS Aquino’s final SONA, he should do an AC/DC song. I’m thinking “Highway to Hell.” I mean, the boogeyman is coming in 2016.

***

Seriously, the biggest makeover we need is a change in the people. Speeches and shows only highlight what government wants you to know and guide you on how you should feel; these are all cosmetic. It is also healthy for people to verify what they read and hear from the people that serve them. Take an interest. Take a stand. Do something, even if it’s just figuring out the world you’re in. Be the change. That’s how we can manage our future.