Philippines

Manila as the Rear Orifice of the Philippines

There’s an old joke–or story because I’m bad at telling jokes–that I heard many years ago. It was about certain body parts arguing on which one of them should be the boss of the body. The story goes:

The brain went first and claimed dominance over the body because it was “in charge of all the thinking.” The eyes was next and cited “Without me, you won’t know where you are.” The hands said, “I’m the muscle in this group. I move stuff! I am in charge!” The stomach replied, “Well, without me, hands, you won’t have energy to move anything. The food we get? I transform that into energy. I am the boss of you and the rest of the body.” “Well, try getting to the food without me. I’m everyone’s boss.” the legs retorted. The quiet rectum opened up and let out a thought, “Shut up, fools. I am your boss.” Every body part laughed at the rectum. In turn, the rectum decided to close up for good.

After some time, the place started to stink up. Everything got jammed up. There was even some lower back pain. The mouth let out a breath that flies seemed to like. The gut appeared larger than normal. The body cells, citizens of the body, were all cursing the brain, eyes, hands, legs, and stomach. Le yikes! They all gave in and told the rectum, “You win.”

In reality, when that urge to move is there, to hell with all the rest of the body functions. When one’s gotta go, one will go!

***

A few months ago, the city government of Manila, led by Mayor Erap and Vice Mayor Isko started tinkering around with Manila city’s traffic management. They fiddled around with a bus ban and a truck ban. Never mind that the commuters had to take several rides to get to and from Manila. The traffic issue needed solving. The government even had fights with truck operators who were having a difficult time conducting their business. The Port of Manila got jammed up. Never mind that. The traffic issue needed solving. It was the most important problem that the Government of Manila had to face and they were the right body orifices to solve it.

As a sidenote: just wondering where the brains of the Philippines went when they started this argument on traffic management. Hmm, at least the brains of the Philippines won’t ever claim that it is the most important part of the country.

Fast forward to a few months later, the trucks are just everywhere. Even the once fast-moving C5 became like a parade of turtles, even at 1 in the morning, because of the trucks. The Port of Manila got so jammed up that logistics companies complained about the people complaining about something they can’t control. Even my sister living abroad wanted to send me a big box package for Christmas super early. She asked me what I’d like to go in the box last freaking July. As a whole, businessmen cried over that port jam. Probably, that was payback for kicking him out of the presidency. Payback ala Corleone? Bwahahaha.

Fast forward to today, the greatest-ever and most legendary and most excellent Mayor of the City of Manila, the superest Hon. Joseph Ejercito Estrada finally relented and decided to lift the ban they started. Malacanang is relieved.  I just hope these folks do manage to undo the supposed damage done by that port congestion. They can have a hashtag: #OneBigFart! .

***

Ass-uming Manila accidentally became the rear of the Philippines–no thanks to the brains of the outfit–is the Torre de Manila the nasty looking wart that grew out of nowhere?

***

Seriously, that exercise in traffic management in Manila is a good example of how everything is interconnected. But at least in that example, there were people who wanted to do something about an issue. Maybe they should just do more thinking in the future. I know they meant well by trying to solve the traffic issue in the city of Manila. Since everything connected, maybe all of them people in charge of every agency and LGUs trying to look at traffic solutions should really sit down and plan.

As for me, I am a body cell. I die or get consumed by cancer cells.

President Aquino Needs to Sharpen His Ax and Use It

I wonder if President Aquino still reads the newspapers. If he did, he might lose more hair.

Bad week for the main man: DAP got shot down as “unconstitutional”; he had to open his mouth on the Nora Aunor issue using poor information; that “unverified” Davao terrorist threat. I mean, that’s three in a row. We’re not even talking about the high prices of garlic and rice.

***

The negative reports are just begging for follow-up reports on the following:

  1. State of affairs of Kris Aquino. There was a prelim last Sunday. I bet she’ll even be more relevant in the coming days. Anyway, she is a national treasure.
  2. Bitch slap ex-PGMA accomplishment report.  Suspended lawmaker CGMA? Perfect time to slap her silly. :evil laugh:
  3. Kick the butts of Bong and Jinggoy speech. Fresh meat for the PR grinder. :evil laugh:
  4. A possible report on the presidential dating scoreboard. Maybe it’ll be RC Cola getting a brand boost this time. I mean, Coke Zero needs a vacation. RC Free could mean, like, single and free to date around?
  5. There might as well be a hey-Corona-we-didn’t-forget-about-you news item. And ex-CJ Corona goes, “WTF. Ako na naman.”
  6. The economy-is-super-so-don’t-mind-high-prices-and-reality report. I mean, poverty and bad news won’t ever go away no matter how super a report is. Maybe they can trump this by legalizing marijuana instead.

***

Anyway, who the F gives the president terrible advice or information? Personally, I’d like to see the president hang this person publicly. How about a public beheading? Isn’t making the president look bad a bad and silly thing to do?

The benchmark is Prisco Nilo and his supposedly inaccurate weather predictions.

Real-world Solutions for the Philippine Condition

As I type this out in my microscopic room in the Philippines, more rain probably came down from the heavens, Janet Napoles is probably snoring in her Sta.Rosa, Laguna jail, and the troops of Misuari are getting high (as reported in the news).  Each day passes in the daily telenovela that passs off as a country called the Philippines.  With the telenovela comes a lot of drama and that drama always finds itself online.

Watching people online regularly made me realize this:  The Filipinos are an angry bunch online.   They’re mad at how government treated them so far.  They’re pissed off when there are floods.  They’re rabid whenever they get stuck in traffic.  They froth in the mouth whenever the PDAF scam is brought up and would probably love to drive a bamboo pole through Janet Napoles and have her spit-roasted, serve her up with senators as garnishing.  One can easily sense that anger in posts on Facebook, Twitter, feedback forms on blogs and on news sites.  In previous issues, the commentary on news sites had been unforgiving during the time of PGMA scandals, the RH debates and Corona impeachment.  Online, people will go at it just to prove whose piss goes highest.  People will post angry stuff whenever they can.  I just do not know if any “real” working ideas came out of these exercises of mental masturbation.

I know that there are people from all over the country who try to do their part in coming up with solutions, from enlightening the masses to organizing mass action; they should be commended for doing so.  Government will always say that it is doing its darn best to serve and there will be people who will always state the opposing view.  For most part, I do believe that most people are too engaged in their own thing to bother engaging those sitting in the halls of governance to come up with ways to have the system serve the people better.   In other words, this country is locked in a self-perpetuating cycle that will take generations to break and people are too busy to notice.  Honestly, I don’t think that I will still be alive when I can see my fellow Filipinos shout to the world that they are no longer poor.  With that, I’d like to see solutions that can benefit ME today, and possibly in the future.

It is time to park the BS on the side of the straight path.  Let us all be practical about where we want this country to go.  I propose the following solutions to the Philippine Government and the Filipino People:

  1. Budget appropriation for creation of the National Time Machine and Multiverse Transport.  It will be an instant exit for those who want out of the country and its troubles.  Once completed, this machine will be for all those who wish for the following:

    Maybe we can just get people in a hot tub. It might work.

    • Martial Law to come back.  I originally wanted a Marcos reanimating machine but ruled against the moral implications of bringing someone back from the dead.  The time machine is better and is more flexible in application.  I am sure that the hordes of loyalists will appreciate this machine and treat it as a complement to the highways and roads built by the former strongman.
    • Declaring this country as part of the USA.  Getting someone into a more influential position to declare the Philippines as a US state would be easier in the past than in our current position.
    • Those who think that we should all be in an alternate universe where this country didn’t make the decision of heading off into wherever current state it is in right now.
  2. Budget appropriation for the creation of the National Smart People Multiplier Pill for Smart People.  Simply put, this amazing pill greatly improves the fertility rates of the smart people in the country.  I put this proposal forward for the following reasons:
    • Realizing that the Catholic Church won’t budge on its anti-RH position and government would always be pressured by it, there has to be a middle ground in the reproductive health and population debate.
    • This is also for the people who believe that the poor dumb people vastly outnumber the rich smart people and thus should be excluded from making their thoughts felt in the national scope.
    • When the population hits critical mass and there won’t be enough food to go around, the smart people will find a way to make the dead dumb people AND dead smart people palatable enough for human consumption.  Hungry people won’t complain about the food they eat.
    • This amazing pill will also be the solution for all the Filipinos who think that understanding satire should be at the vanguard of intellectualism.  There will be more people around who are full of themselves as the next Juan.  This will also save them the trouble of calling someone bobo or tanga online, as if it makes them instantly smart.
  3.  Budget appropriation for a National CCTV + Internet Access system with instant YouTube, Facebook and Twitter upload with optional person zapper function and optional instant selfie function with optional auto-background selection AND super-dooper smile enhancing function.  People can have the following:
    • Sure, we all want someone watching over us.

      News (or sex) as fresh as it can get.  People don’t have to wait for a “scandal.”

    • The power to zap people as they see fit, for justice and for the heck of it.  They can obsess with public officials not doing their jobs or simply bully someone through the internet because they can, and this time with real physical pain.
    • Post decent selfies of themselves whenever they’re not too concerned with national issues.
  4. Budget appropriation for a National Cross-stitching Program.  This is simply for the people with too much time in their hands.  This will also work well for government employees who prefer to scratch their itchy hands using  Philippine Pesos.

These proposals, I believe, will make this country great again.  I humbly submit them, or not.  If the people don’t like these ideas, their alternative is always to suck it up and productively deal with it.  Useless anger can only give us high blood pressure.

Porkster Boys/ Girls and Other Fatty Pork Barrel Thoughts

Brain on.

***

An amazing thing happened in the Philippines in the past two weeks.  After being bitch-slapped since 1987, the people actually got pissed-off with how the government does things.  The people appear angry not just at one person but the entire SYSTEM.  Three years of Tuwid na Daan (the straight path) and a promise to abolish the pork by saintly son president PNoy were not enough to stop people from cancelling an indignation rally set on August 26.

Oh, boy.  I think the masses are really mad this time.

Anyway, I find it refreshing since the call for a protest came from different people around Facebook, not your usual radical “we’re just angry at everything” leftists.  This came after the weeks of being exposed to the lavish lifestyle of Jeane Napoles, daughter of Janet Lim-Napoles, the woman who allegedly robbed this country blind through her NGOs.  Add the floods because of the monsoon rains, the COA and DBM reports to the fire…and BOOM! I guess the experience of swimming in rat piss, trash and shit while plunderers party was simply too much.

The future’s lookin’ really bright…(image via http://www.solarnews.ph)

Drawing a parallel here, if my recollection is correct, this kind of mass action hasn’t happened since President Erap’s ouster in 2001.  Text messages were enough motivation for people to come out and pressure Erap to step down, although he would say otherwise.  Thanks to the trial back then, people had tons info for a conviction in their minds.  President Estrada was the crook who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  He was the crook with the mansions and the girls.  He was the crook called a crook by a fellow crook.  Oh, and the sight of a dancing senator during the impeachment trial, icing on the cake!  All the people needed was that feeling that they’ve been taken for a ride, much like what we have today.

Lovable, am I not? (image via pcij.org)

I guess people would always need to put a a face on evil for them to take action, or even just get plain old mad at something.  Dancing senators are a rarity.  Today we have a birthday party video.  I just pray we don’t get a lot more of these in the future.

Citizens should take part in how they mold this country into something that works for everyone, not just those in power. I pray that people learn to choose their leaders based on what they plan to do with the issues important to them.  Hopefully, come 2016, people won’t be in the dark when it comes to decision making.

***

A friend of mine expressed concern about the march on August 26.  He said that protests only serve to destabilize the image of the country.  A part of me agrees with him but I am still going to that indignation rally.

Just a thought, if people would participate more in governance, then maybe protest actions would be a thing of the past.  I still wonder if the people even bother to check their congressman or even their mayors, barangay captains and councilors.  Oh, wait, we need freedom of information.  Scratch that thought.

***

Personally, I’m more of the school of thought that congress is acting like vestigial organ of the Philippine system. It is lost on defining its true function.  It cannot even decide whether it wants to be a legislative or executive body.  It has to take a stand somewhere.  I know the judiciary has its slow wheels of justice turning.  I know that the executive branch is executing something, not someone not like in its previous incarnations.  The legislative?  It needs a serious PR blitz.  It should legislate itself into positive light.  Maybe if there was freedom of information, congressional good deeds might come out of the digging.  A big MAYBE on that one.

***

It was also the height of hypocrisy when members of the senate suddenly changed footing on the PDAF.  What made them think that the time to abolish it is now?  Is it public pressure?  Why didn’t some of them actively push for its abolition before?  I find it funny that statements come short of saying that it’s their first time to hear of pork abuse.

I consider the PDAF the height of callousness of government.  It is the best evidence that government has a wall between itself and the people.  The excuse that some projects won’t materialize without the PDAF should be taken as a slap in the face by local executives and their constituents.

Bottom line for me right now is this:  Better Budgeting and Transparency.  Enough bullshit already.  Even if it was the Dalai Lama running the Philippines, I would still go for transparency like a hungry dog.

***

If you look at how events are unfolding, it seems the biggest winner would be PNoy.  Honestly, I love how his team handled this crisis.  PNoy will get out of this one with just some mild scratches on the surface.

  • With stricter PDAF controls, PNoy gets to retain power over both houses of congress.
  • By positioning himself with pseudo-pork abolition, he wins over the thoughts of some people.
  • With the release of the COA and DBM reports, LP gets to slip a jab on some potential opponents in 2016.

***

Brain off.